Help Someone That’s Getting Abused

The first step you can take to help a person you think is being abused is to learn more about domestic violence. Society’s lack of understanding about the dynamics of domestic violence often is the greatest obstacle victims face in their efforts to end the violence in their lives. You can learn more about domestic violence on SVA’s Education page. With this in mind, here are some thoughts and questions you may have:

» “I shouldn’t get involved in a private family matter.”
Domestic violence – also called intimate partner violence, spouse abuse, battering – is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, your friend’s children, and the entire community.

» “It can’t be that serious.”
Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking/suffocation/strangulation, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence, and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time. Any act of violence is something to take seriously. Domestic violence results in $4.1 billion in direct medical and mental health care services in the United States every year (citation). Domestic violence can be deadly: six women are murdered every hour around the world by an intimate partner or family member (citation).

» “That doesn’t happen in my neighborhood.”
Domestic violence does not discriminate. It happens to people of all educational and income levels, and among all ages, races, and religions.

» “What did they do to provoke that violence?”
The victim has suffered from domestic violence at the hands of the abuser. Whatever problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence is never justified or acceptable.

» “If it’s so bad, why don’t they just leave?”
For most of us, the decision to end a relationship may not be an easy one. A domestic violence victim’s emotional ties to their partner may still be strong, support the hope that the violence will end. Financial dependence on the abusive partner may also cause the victim to face severe economic hardship if the relationship were to end. The victim may not know about available resources or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to the victim in the past. Religious, cultural, or family pressures may make the victim believe it is their duty to keep the relationship together at all costs. Also, if the victim has tried to leave in the past, the abuser may have used violence as a preventive or punitive measure.

» “Don’t they care about what’s happening to their children?”
The victim may feel that the abuse is not directed at the children, and does not yet realize its effects on the children. Perhaps the victim believes that the children need to have the abusive parent in their lives, or lacks the resources to support the children if they were to leave. The children may beg the victim to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. The victim may also fear that if they leave, they might lose custody of the children.

» “I know that person. I don’t think they could hurt anyone.”
Many abusers are not violent in other social or professional relationships. They can be charming and lovable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of their home.

» “The abuser must have a mental illness.”
Domestic violence is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The abuser’s experience as a child and the messages the abuser receives from society in general, tell the abuser that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over someone else, such as an intimate partner. People who abuse other people are accountable for their own actions. Viewing an abuser as “sick” or “mentally ill” excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior.

» “I think the abuser has a drinking problem. Could that be the cause of the violence?”
Although alcohol or drug use may intensify an already existing violent behavior, it does not cause domestic violence. People who abuse typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol, drug use, stress, or some other reason. Domestic violence, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it.

» “How can they still love someone who abuses them?”
Chances are, the abuser has not always been abusive. No one enters into a relationship with someone who hurts them, and there may have been a long period of “good times” that endeared the victim to the abuser before the abuser became violent. The abuser also may show some remorse for their violence, promising to make changes. However, the longer a violent relationship continues, the less likely there will be any “good times” at all.

» “If they want my help, they will ask for it.”
The victim may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, feeling that no one will understand the situation. The victim may not know who they can trust, and may fear the abuser will find out.

How do you know for sure if someone is being abused?

» Accept the fact that you may have to ask
Many victims make efforts to hide the abuse. They often do so because they are embarrassed, they fear their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they’re not ready or able to do. Be sure to ask your friend or family member in private so they will feel more comfortable and safe responding to you. Understand that they may not want be willing to open up right away. Being judgmental or pressuring the victim will make them less likely to speak out about the abuse. Express your concern and willingness to help.

» Keep it simple
If there are specific observations that have caused your concern, you may want to open the conversation by saying, “I noticed X, Y, and Z, and I’m concerned about you and your safety. Is there anything I can do to help?” Understand that a victim may not open up to you on your first attempt to offer help, but they will remember that you did offer.

What Can I Do?

» Become Informed
Gather all the information you can about domestic violence. Contact programs, like Southern Valley Alliance, and local services and resources, that assist victims of domestic violence and their children. These programs not only offer victims safety, but also provide advocacy, support, and other needed services. Sometimes your own feelings about the violence may make it difficult for you to confront the situation. Contact your local domestic violence program and talk to staff about your concerns. Advocates can be an excellent source of support and information for both you and the victim. SVA’s 24/7 Crisis Line is 952-873-4214.

» Lend a Sympathetic Ear
Letting the victim know that you care and are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer. Remember that your friend or family member must make his or her own decisions about life. Focus on supporting their right to make their own choices.

» Share the Information You Have Gathered
When your friend or family member asks for advice on what to do, privately share what you have learned about domestic violence and local resources. Encourage them to seek the assistance of domestic violence advocates. Many victims of domestic violence first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists, or members of the clergy. Not all helping professionals, however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of domestic violence victims. If the first person your friend or family member contacts is not helpful, encourage them to find assistance elsewhere. Share SVA’s Resource Book .

» Focus on Strengths
Victims of domestic violence endure emotional abuse more often than physical abuse. The victim is probably continually told by the abuser that he or she is a bad person, a bad spouse/partner, and a bad parent. Without positive reinforcement from outside the home, the victim may begin to believe he or she can’t do anything right – that there really is something wrong with them, like the abuser keeps saying.Help the victim examine their strengths and skills. Emphasize that they deserve a life free from violence.

» Be a Friend
Provide whatever assistance you can to help your friend or family member break free from violence: emotional support, transportation, child care, temporary housing, financial assistance.

» Help Them Develop a Safety Plan
Encourage the victim to develop a Safety Plan to protect themselves and their children.